Many parents think their kids don't listen to them when in fact, most kids listen really, really well......they just don't CARE about what you're saying.
You can scream, yell, threaten and beg but it still won't get kids to listen well. Many parents reach out to me with a common complaint that their kids don't listen and want to know how to get them too. Throughout my years of experience, I have observed that children actually listen very, very well. There was one time I was in the pantry getting.....
a bar of chocolate and I didn't want anyone to hear me because I wasn't in a sharing mood. I wanted to devour that treat all by myself. Just as I was opening the wrapper ever so gently, guess who shows up asking me what I was doing? My son, Mr. Eagle-ears. How did he hear that? How come he responded so quickly? That wasn't his normal reaction when I ask him to pick up his back-back or put his clothes in the hamper. It was then I realized that his listening skills were stealth. He could hear many things that I couldn't even hear half the time. So his ears worked perfectly well!! Great news but wait, why did they not work all those other times.....especially when it was the stuff I wanted him to do?
That's when I realized, this is not a hearing/listening issue. It's actually a caring issue. Caring about what I was asking him to do.
That's when I realized, this is not a hearing/listening issue. It's actually a caring issue. Caring about what I was asking him to do.
In order for kids to actually care about what you are saying or wanting them to do, they have got to understand how it fits into their agenda. Parents and children have very different agendas when it comes to getting their needs and desires met. I speak about this in great detail in my programs and workshops about what to do that helps parents respond positively to their children's negative behaviours. So, if putting away their dirty clothes isn't on their agenda, then it's not going to happen unless you yell/nag at them enough or threaten them with something because then and only then, that it becomes an issue according to their agenda. They aren't putting away their dirty clothes in the hamper because they care about keeping their room tidy and helping you with the laundry responsibilities. They are doing it because it will get YOU off of THEIR back in that moment or they don't want to risk losing out on their device being taken away.
TIPS TO HELP GET KIDS TO CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE SAYING
1. CONNECT first with the child or teen. Get on the same wavelength and plug-in to what they are doing and feeling. Try doing an activity together or start up a conversation about one of their favorite topics. This really gets their attention and sets up for a more positive discussion.
TIPS TO HELP GET KIDS TO CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE SAYING
1. CONNECT first with the child or teen. Get on the same wavelength and plug-in to what they are doing and feeling. Try doing an activity together or start up a conversation about one of their favorite topics. This really gets their attention and sets up for a more positive discussion.
2. Have a DISCUSSION about your expectations around the task such as laundry or which every topic the concern is. Keep this to a brief chat and don't verbally dump all issues on the child or teen. Once these discussions take too much time, kids can tune-out and disengage. Short & sweet is always better.
3. Ask for INPUT. Let them have a say about the concern and/or ways they could contribute that works for them. This way they may feel more connected to the task. Maybe they really dislike putting the clothes in the hamper but don't mind putting away their clean clothes. Clear communication is key!
4. TIMING is everything! Figure out together when the best time is for the request to be completed. Discuss where there may be some flexibility with certain things and what things must be done immediately.
These are some key ways to help children and teens to do what is expected of them. Yelling at them or using threats can usually get some movement or action from them in the short-term but does not address what is really going on.... the lack of care around what you are asking them. This doesn't mean that they don't care about YOU, it's just that what you want and what they want in that moment can be very, very different. Acknowledging this aspect of the situation and then finding an alternative to yelling, screaming, begging or threatening can not only benefit your needs and the child's needs. It can also have positive long-term benefits on the relationship and emotional well-being.
These are some key ways to help children and teens to do what is expected of them. Yelling at them or using threats can usually get some movement or action from them in the short-term but does not address what is really going on.... the lack of care around what you are asking them. This doesn't mean that they don't care about YOU, it's just that what you want and what they want in that moment can be very, very different. Acknowledging this aspect of the situation and then finding an alternative to yelling, screaming, begging or threatening can not only benefit your needs and the child's needs. It can also have positive long-term benefits on the relationship and emotional well-being.
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